Chai Blog: Mixed Feelings.
It’s 5 AM on the first day of school. Yes I am awake. My brain, in theory, knows I should be. I’m sitting outside and it’s so beautiful. The heat has lifted overnight. The moon is high and I can see Orion‘s belt. One loan sings bird to me. Everything else is still. I should be anxious about the first day of school. I should be getting ready to greet my students. I always loved the chaos of the first day, watching the kids see each other after weeks apart. The relief on parents’ faces as they leave. I should be…
I’m grateful I get to take my daughter to school today. That’s the only blessing in this situation. Otherwise, frankly it sucks. I miss my professional life. There is no way around it. I must fill out insurance forms today, justifying my ongoing leave. It is torturous putting to paper the reasons why I can’t go to work…as though the words ‘metastatic Pancreatic Cancer’ and ongoing chemo therapy isn’t enough. It’s maddening to have to put in writing the sickness, the weakness. I hate defining myself with these words. I shudder and am so angry at those people who take advantage of the system, who force me to have to go through this crap.
I woke up because I was thinking about synagogue, about how to sneak in, slightly late, so I won’t be overwhelmed by people, wearing my mask, to hide from the cacophony of germs. Silly crazy thoughts that keep my mind from peace.
I do find the good in every day. I really do. It helps me to keep going regardless of what sucks. When my students would swear, I always challenged them to find a more intelligent way of saying whatever they wanted. But right now, it’s just that this situation sucks shit.
And yet, here I am. Here I Am. I Am Here.
I hope everyone has an amazing first day back to school. Shana Tova. I wish everyone a sweet and healthy new year. May it bring us all good things. I look forward to more summer weather, and lots of visits. Thank you for your continued love support and healing prayers.
Love to you all.
Written by a Chai Lifeline – PHH Mother